Monday, March 23, 2009

Fear of commitment.. ???

What is this innate need we feel within ourselves to find someone better? From where does it arise? When do we put an end to this feeling? Can we put an end to this feeling? If yes, should it be suppressed or satiated? If satiated, wont we always find someone better than the person we are with? If suppressed, aren't we being dishonest to the person we enter into a commitment with? If both alternatives seem to be taking us down a slippery slope, which one do we choose? Which one is the lesser of two evils? Is there a  non-evil if we don't want to make that choice? 

I may be stepping into shoes much larger than mine here but I think I can fill them or at least hope to. "Fear of commitment". I have so often come across this phrase being used left right and center by people and often find it to be one of the major factors causing people to end what could have been beautiful relationships. A pseudo-fear, i call it. Many have told me that they are happy with their current partner but feel that the more they see the world the better a person they will find for their partner. This belief engenders a certain sense of insecurity within them. By insecurity I mean the lack of confidence in being able to be committed to that one person for their WHOLE LIFE. While the fact that we will find better people the more we tread out in the world, what is false is the fear that because of this we cannot commit to a person.

Without beating around the bush anymore, i will come straight to the point now. We will always, as a matter of a rule without exceptions, find people better than the one we are with, ALWAYS. The point is we don't realise that sometimes you don't need something better even if it exists right in front of your eyes. You just don't need it. Life can be lived in a fleeting moment or through painstaking eons. Discontentment shall make you live eons and contentment a fleeting moment. This does not imply you marry the first person you meet. What it does mean is that if you truly connect with someone and are compatible with them, you should not bring in this FEAR of COMMITMENT as  you feel you can find someone better. The question you should answer really is, "Can I lead a happy and contend life with this person? Can I love him/her all my life for what he/she is?". If you are to further get into the probabilities of that mysterious someone who will be out there somewhere, you shall never stop your quest and hence will be left desolate one day. 

Relationships are Hard. No exceptions there. You have to live them and fulfill them. Successful relationships are blissful and give a sense of fulfillment and at the end of the day, all you will have with you is not a memory of the thorns but the flowers you found. Unsuccessful ones only leave behind scars.It is a small world, but life is even shorter. Live it with a sense of fulfillment instead of a desire to only find the best.Remember, "There is always someone stronger, someone richer, someone brainier, someone more beautiful, someone better than someone else in everything". In profession content is greatest adversary of success; In relationships it is the greatest virtue.

24 comments:

  1. Amazing flow ..
    you have rightly captures the dilemma face by most couples ..

    I personally feel , that if you don't think that the one u r with is the best person for you , than u are not in love , and till u r sure that the person u r with is the 1 , one should not commit .
    But once committed one should try his/her best to retain the relation . The thing is people change , and only those relations last happily where the couple accepts each others change ..
    However I have seen couples not able to accept the change and still clinging on to each other just bcoz of the commitment , here I feel at this point where the couple has tried its best to accept the change , yet is not able to do so , then they rightfully should split bcz one should not be in a relation forcefully and if they are they would be really unhappy . I have seen couples who are daily bearing the pain of not understand the other person , daily witnessing their love diminishing each passing moment ... and in turn living a life in hell .. so its better to split then .

    .. I do not think that breaking up is sin, but of course I am not saying one should go on a spree and start making and breaking relations , no never . Although a great majority of ppl are doing the same now ....
    I am only saying be very careful while making a commitment , and once u have done then try ur best to sustain it , breaking up should be ur last resort ,not that I am saying that all couples after a period of time should split , no . I have also seen couples living together like a the best couple despite their differences and this only bcz thy have accepted each other .So one should not give up easily try your best , and only and only if things dnt work out then I think there is not point living a life of discomfort ....

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  2. Hey listen its really hard to read this post...its in yellow and hardly visible.
    Anyway as usual u make total sense and I guess if you're really happy with someone then you dont need to look beyond because at the end of the day its about being happy and comfortable together. If you keep thinking there's someone better out there, then you're probably not happy in the existing relationship.

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  3. Hmmm...
    I saw your post 51/2 hours ago,but i was helpless to comment on it as i was in office.
    Anyhow i am lucky enough to be the first person to leave my perceptions here( as you say :P).

    Unfortunately we are human beings, when it comes to this topic...
    We humans have this "QUEST" addiction in hell lot of amount in a negative direction..
    Thoda milta hai to kuch aur ki chah aa jati hai.
    Yeh kahawat to suni hi hogi "life looks greener on the other side".
    One point i would add : many of them stay single because of this mistake of theirs...
    They leave one hoping/thinking to replace with another and lose that one and stay unsatisfied and of course single too.

    out and out its a good post...

    At at points you have used some solid points to make an impression and that worked pretty well..

    Keep writing...:)

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  4. @ arnav .. your point is right .. all of them are .. as even i stressed .. dont avoid one because you think you will find better if you already feel perfect with someone .. again in future you may find someone else to be perfect for you as well and maybe they come with an added attraction of change .. what do you do then .. see this is where the commitment comes in and this is where being content with what s there should exist ...

    thank you fr visiting
    Relationships need not be eternal .. but even if they end they can end smoothly .. and shouldd end for the right reasons ...

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  5. @ akshaya ...
    Yellow ??? only the last 2 lines are in yellow .. rest is in white ...
    glad you see it my way .. :)

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  6. @ mahesh ..
    thanks dude ..
    you are perfectly right in saying that "other side of the river is always green " but hey we could as well make hay on this side ... ;)

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  7. I dont think commitment-phobia always results from a sense of finding someone better. I think its just many ppl today are afraid of committing or entering a phase of their relationship because they dont want to change their lives with such a big (for the lack of another word) "commitment".

    Its a well documented and very common phobia where people just dont want to get tied down. In today's world they just dont want to give up their privacy and especially in a country like ours where the word "commitment" in context of a relationship immediately points towards marriage which most people (and i include myself in it) are afraid of.

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  8. Thoughts were right but don't brood over extremes. Life is like a mirage in the desert, closer we get, furthur it goes. Confidence, detetrmination, grit and farsightedness will confront u and and savour all delusions. Leave the past, live for the day and the future will be by ur side. Remember procrastination is the thief of time.
    Commitment, relationships and fulfillment are the essentials of a successful life.

    I have coverd some of ur thoughts in my poems and many 2 unfold in future.

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  9. Dilemmas apart, we probably fall into a relationship of one of three kinds - for a reason, a season and a lifetime.

    We need to understand and "match" the person we are with, with one of the three 'categories' mentioned above without looking too far ahead and going over-board. Of course, that's my opinion.

    We cannot have everything. Remember the clichéd statement - getting in to a relationship/wedlock is like ordering food at a restaurant. You look at the other table and wish you'd ordered that. As you put it, this has to change.

    I ve said this before and as Arnav also put it, it is all abt acceptance. It isn't impossible, either.

    Another thing - law of attraction. Ppl in a relationship will prolly be attracted to someone else at some point in time. It is only human. Just tht, this shdnt lead to suspicion, etc. And well, this is where I'd say that the individuals involved shd be honest. Else the meaning of having been in a relationship would be lost. So much for "eternal relationships"!

    A Sid-esque post, per se. ;)

    Peace. Be well.

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  10. Beautiful post! I agree with everything u said. We humans hv this inherent quality in us that always COMPARE and always want MORE. Cos CONTENTMENT comes with a higher price...alot of sacrifice but eventually the best virtue in every aspect of life.

    Humans are scared to tread into difficult territory...thats why they go for shallow things.


    Im bak btw :)

    Keshi.

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  11. It is human nature to look for things better and constantly engage in this exercise which has no ending!

    And as far as commitment is concerned, I'm very clear about it and have no fear! But then, I'm yet to meet that someone who I will be committed to! ;)

    Nice post!

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  12. oye Sid,,i am unable to post anything in ur shoutbox:(
    I have replied to ur comment..ab naraz na hona..:)

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  13. so true..so beautiful!! i agree and u actually gave me a new outlook to my very own relationships..thanks!!

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  14. Commitment is very difficult always....that's the reason for fear...

    but fear being a feeling.. an emotional outcome..cannot be controlled but we reely can control our actions..that come after it.....

    just that we need to recognize a basic fact...that its a human tendency to crave for the absent...!!

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  15. It depends on what is the definition of better for u? One doesnt need a perfect partner for a perfect life, but a person who suits you. First its necessary to clarify what are your expectations fronm any relationship and what you urself are ready to give to make it succesful.

    There are no perfect people and relationships, they are made perfect by us, by hard work, by our comitment, by our sincerity and by our faith inb the relationship and person both.

    otherwise they quest can go for the whole life and still u may not find any one.

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  17. dude i have tagged u with 100 truths tag...

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  18. sabse bada panga yehi to hai, ki mera bhai kabhi galat nai kehta...aur main kabhi uski suntaa nai...

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  19. You do some tremendous writing, mate. Kudos.


    *cheers*

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  20. Im quite confused..if the other person always asks u to change for the better..even though u may love him, should u always..through out ur life compromise on changing urself..under the name of achieving excellence..
    Anon

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  21. beautiful post, very well written.....and yes very true too!

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  22. Is there any answer to my question?????

    Anon..

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  23. answer ... well honestly not .. not today.. i am in a state right now where my beliefs stand questioned by the state of my existence. I do not believe I can truly answer that today .. Earlier i believed that one could love the other for who they truly are.. earlier i would have said .. if the person asked you to change quite often then i think what the person loves is your countenance not the thing within... atleast that's what i believed in but then this can be a very idealistic thought as i have come to see... many might say the same thing but when it comes to practice they falter ... and we as individuals will more often than not fall in love or meet and befriend ppl who do not believe in it and land up paying a price ...

    there is only one benchmark i would go by .. i.e.
    Is doing that WORTH IT ? if yes then keep changing yourself every time else refrain .. but be very careful while you think about the answer for tht question .. for we tend to get biased by our emotions.. and next time u cud directly mail .. i dont reply to comments now a days .. nor do i write for others to read .. its a request .. u cud mail and i would reply

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Let your perceptions flow